Do you feel like if one more person tells you to “stay positive” you will just scream?

I get it.

You’re scared. Or angry. Or sad. Maybe you’re exhausted from treatment, waiting for scan results, worried about recurrence, or simply having a really crappy day.

Or maybe you’re trying to figure out what your life is supposed to be like now, because it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it used to.

And then someone says, “You just have to stay positive!”

Like getting cancer wasn’t enough? Now you’re apparently supposed to have the right attitude about it too? Seriously?

Here’s what I want you to know:

You are allowed to feel whatever you feel.

Fear isn’t failure.

Anger isn’t failure.

Grief isn’t failure.

And telling the truth about how you feel is definitely not failure.

And it doesn’t mean you’re “being negative.”

To be fair, most people who tell you to stay positive probably aren't trying to dismiss what you're going through. Usually, they love you. They want you to be okay.

And sometimes, if we’re being fair, they need you to be okay.

And they are likely trying to help.

Cancer is scary for the people who love you too. They may not know what to say. They may desperately want to fix something they cannot fix. So they reach for reassurance:

Stay positive.

Everything will be fine.

You've got this.

There’s almost always good intent in there somewhere.

But good intent doesn’t magically make something helpful.

And you can understand why someone says it without having to pretend it feels good when they do so.

You don’t have to swallow your feelings to protect them from being uncomfortable with yours.

Instead, you can tell them what you actually need.

Something as simple as:

“I know you’re trying to help. Right now, I don’t need you to cheer me up. I just need you to listen.”

Or:

“I’m having a hard day. I don’t need to make it positive. I just need to be allowed to have a hard day.”

That isn’t rude.

It isn’t ungrateful.

It’s a boundary—and boundaries can actually help you stay connected instead of quietly getting more and more resentful until you don’t want to talk to that person at all.

And remember: you don’t have to turn every difficult feeling into a lesson, a blessing, or a silver lining.

It’s okay to be scared or anxious. It’s okay to feel angry or grieve what cancer has taken from you.

You can feel all of that without those feelings setting up permanent residence.

You don’t need forced positivity.

You need room to be honest about where you are—and people who are willing to meet you there.

And if someone you love can learn to say, “Whatever you’re feeling right now is okay. You don’t have to protect me from it”?

That will be far more helpful than telling you to stay positive ever could be.

And if you’re realizing that you need help either having these conversations with the people in your life—or figuring out what to do with all the fear, anger, anxiety, and grief you’re carrying—I can help with that.

You don’t have to pretend you’re okay. And you don’t have to figure out how to feel better all by yourself.

Book a call with me, and let’s talk about what would help you feel more supported, more understood, and more like yourself again.

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