For years, I couldn’t put my phone on Do Not Disturb.

My husband was in a care facility, and I needed to be reachable if something happened. The problem was, I never knew what number they might call from, so I couldn’t simply program one number to break through.

Unless I was on an airplane, my phone had to be available 24/7, and I did too.

At the theater, I would put it on vibrate. But never Do Not Disturb.

I used to joke that I wouldn’t be able to use Do Not Disturb until either I was dead or my whole family was dead.

It was funny.

Except, of course, it really wasn’t.

A couple of months after my husband died, I went to the theater and, for the first time, put my phone on Do Not Disturb.

Now I put it on every night. (I know my kids and stepkids know how to get around it if they need to.)

But here's the thing.

Somewhere along the way, I realized this wasn’t really just about my phone settings. It was about how I saw myself and how I fit into the world and into my relationships.

For years, being available wasn’t optional. It was part of loving someone. Part of caring for someone. Part of being responsible.

And when you live that way long enough, being “on call” can stop feeling like something you’re doing and start feeling like who you are.

You become the person who pays attention.

The person who anticipates what might go wrong.

The person who notices everything.

The person who is always ready.

And even when the circumstances change, some part of you may not get the message that you’re allowed to stand down.

Cancer can do that too.

It can teach you that terrible things really can happen when you weren’t expecting them.

So you watch.

That ache.

That strange sensation.

That upcoming scan.

That lab result that hasn’t posted yet.

That little voice asking, What if?

You may tell yourself that being responsible means staying vigilant. That worrying keeps you prepared. That if you stop paying attention, you might miss something important.

But there is a difference between paying attention to your health and living your entire life on red alert.

And that line can get awfully blurry.

So maybe Do Not Disturb is about more than silencing your phone.

Maybe it’s about asking yourself:

What am I still standing guard over, even when I don’t need to?

Maybe you don’t answer the work email tonight.

Let someone else handle something.

Stop monitoring everyone else’s mood.

Maybe you give yourself an hour when you are not responsible for fixing, anticipating, checking up on, or taking care of anything or anybody.

And notice how that feels.

Relief?

Or guilt?

Anxiety?

A strange urge to check your phone, your body, your email, your family—just to make sure everything is okay?

Pay attention to what that means.

Because Do Not Disturb doesn’t mean “I don’t care.”

It doesn’t mean ignoring your body, abandoning the people you love, or pretending bad things can’t happen.

It means recognizing that you are allowed to decide who and what get access to you.

You are allowed to have moments when nobody needs anything from you.

You are allowed to enjoy the movie without waiting for the phone to vibrate.

And you are allowed to go to sleep without mentally standing guard.

You are allowed to live a life that isn’t organized around preparing for the next terrible thing.

And if that feels difficult, or even impossible right now, that’s exactly the kind of thing we can work on together.

If cancer has left you feeling like you’re permanently on call, watching, worrying, bracing, and waiting for the other shoe to drop, I’d love to talk with you.

Schedule a call with me, and let’s talk about what it might feel like to finally turn down the noise, step out of constant alert, and create a life where you can pay attention when you need to…

and put the rest on Do Not Disturb.

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