Your mother calls, and before you know it, you're reassuring her that everything is going to be okay.

She's crying. She's terrified. She's imagining the worst.

And somehow, even though you're the one with cancer, you're the one doing the comforting.

Sound familiar?

Or maybe it's something different.

Your mother keeps telling you how difficult your cancer has been for her. How worried she is. How much stress she's under. How her life has been turned upside down.

And maybe she's saying the same things to friends and other family members.

And you find yourself thinking, Wait a minute. Whose cancer is this, anyway?

And it hurts. Not because you don't understand that your cancer is affecting her, too. But because hearing her talk about how difficult this has been for her can leave you feeling like what you're going through is getting lost in the conversation.

If your mother is making your cancer all about her, you may find yourself feeling angry, frustrated, exhausted, and then guilty for feeling that way.

After all, she's your mother. You know she loves you. And you understand that the thought of losing her child is probably the most terrifying thing she can imagine.

But here's the thing.

Your mother is entitled to be scared, worried, and upset. She's entitled to cry and feel overwhelmed. And she needs support in dealing with those feelings, too.

But that support shouldn't have to come from you.

Because right now, you're the one with cancer. And you're the one who needs support.

You don’t need to let her feelings take over or take precedence over yours.

She needs to find other people she can talk to about her fears and worries. And when she does, it's perfectly okay for her to focus on how your cancer is affecting her. After all, she's looking for support for what she's going through.

But that's different from repeatedly telling you how difficult your cancer has made her life. You can understand that she's struggling without having to take on the burden of making her feel better.

And there's one important boundary she needs to respect when talking to other people: your privacy.

Just because she's talking about her own experience doesn't mean she gets to share whatever she wants about yours. She needs to respect your wishes about what medical information you're comfortable with her sharing.

There's another layer to this that can make things especially complicated.

Cancer has a way of bringing old family dynamics right back to the surface.

If you grew up being the responsible one, the peacekeeper, or the person who made sure everyone else was okay, you may automatically slip back into that role.

Your mother gets upset, and you reassure her. She panics, and you downplay your own fears to calm her down. You tell her everything is fine, even when you're not so sure yourself.

And suddenly, you're taking care of her instead of allowing yourself to be taken care of.

So what can you do differently?

Start by recognizing that you can have compassion for your mother's fear without taking responsibility for it.

You might say:

"Mom, I know this is really scary for you, too. And I know how much you love me. But right now, I need you to support me. I can't be the person reassuring you that everything is going to be okay. I need you to find someone else you can talk to about your fears."

And if the issue is what she's sharing with other people, you might say:

"Mom, I understand that my cancer affects you, too, and I want you to have people you can talk to. But I do need you to check with me before sharing details about my health with other people."

And if she continues unloading her anxiety onto you, even after you've asked her not to?

You can gently end or redirect the conversation. You can decide how often you talk and how much medical information you share.

You don't have to justify every boundary or convince her that it's reasonable.

And you don't have to monitor or manage every conversation she has with someone else. You can't control how your mother feels or how she describes her own experience. What you can do is decide what information you share with her, tell her what you need, and choose how you respond when her behavior hurts you.

Will she be disappointed? Maybe. Will you feel guilty? Maybe, especially if you've spent your whole life putting her feelings ahead of your own.

But feeling guilty doesn't necessarily mean you're doing something wrong. Sometimes it just means you're doing something different than you're used to, and it feels unfamiliar, and therefore uncomfortable.

And here's something else worth remembering.

You can love your mother without being responsible for her emotions.

Setting boundaries isn't about pushing her away. It's about creating a relationship in which there's room for your needs, too.

Because if there was ever a time when you deserved to be supported instead of doing all the supporting, this is it.

If you're struggling with setting boundaries with your mother—or anyone else in your life—especially now that you've had cancer, I'd love to help.

You don't have to keep putting everyone else's emotional needs ahead of your own. You can learn to set boundaries without being consumed by guilt, protect your own emotional well-being, and create healthier, more supportive relationships.

If you're ready to make that change, let's talk. Reach out and let's explore how you can create relationships that support you instead of draining you.

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