Ever had someone say something about your cancer that hit you the wrong way? Maybe they meant well, but their words still hurt—because they stepped on your already broken toe.

It happens all the time. 

People don’t always know what to say, and sometimes, they blurt out things that feel dismissive, minimizing, or just plain wrong. 

When this happens, it can stir up all the emotions you've been trying to manage—and perhaps trying to avoid. Fear, anxiety,  anger, grief, frustration. 

The worst part? If you don’t have a way to handle it, those words can stick with you for way too long, playing on a seemingly endless loop in your mind.

So, what do you do when someone says something that stings? 

First, put your own oxygen mask on - take care of yourself. Get yourself okay.

After you've done that, you can deal with the other person if you want to.

Here are three things you can tell yourself in that moment, and three things you can say to the other person.

First, here’s what you can tell yourself:

1. "They don’t understand what I’ve been through, and that’s okay."
   Most people don’t get it, and probably can’t, if they haven’t had cancer themselves. That doesn’t mean they don’t care—it just means they lack the lived experience to fully comprehend what you’re going through.
   
   

2. "My feelings are valid, but I get to choose how much energy I give to this."
   You don’t have to police your emotions, but you do have the power to decide what you dwell on. Is this comment worth your mental and emotional bandwidth? Probably not.
   
   

3. "I am more than my cancer experience, and one comment doesn’t define me."
   You are a whole person. Your identity is not limited to your diagnosis, your treatment, or anyone’s misguided words. You get to decide what defines you – and it doesn’t have to be the fact that you got cancer.
   
   

And if you want to respond—whether to educate or set a boundary—here are three things you can say that are honest, but not hurtful:

1. "I know you mean well, but that comment really hurt me because I've been trying to deal with that thought unsuccessfully since I was diagnosed."
   This lets them know their words landed wrong while also giving them a glimpse into why.
   
   

2. "I know you’re trying to be supportive, but that didn’t land the way you probably intended."
   A gentle way to push back without escalating. Sometimes, people just need a little nudge to reflect on their words.
   
   

3. "I know you’re coming from a good place, but that kind of comment actually makes this harder for me."
   People want to help. Let them know if they’re accidentally making it worse.
   
   

Of course, if their comment was egregious, you can always go with staring at them and saying,  “Did you mean to say that out loud?”  – but it’s worth pausing first to decide whether they were trying to be mean or trying to be kind and it just backfired.

Having these responses ready can help you take back control of the conversation and protect your heart—without forcing you to push your emotions away, suffer in silence, or lash out at someone who was trying to be helpful. You deserve to be heard, and you also deserve peace.

If this resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. We’re in this together. 💛

P.S. If you need HELP with not even feeling bothered by those comments, please reach out to me. I can help you let it go.

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