What do you do when it feels like someone at work or in your personal life is opposing you, giving you a hard time, or maybe even attacking you?

I recently had a few experiences in small group conversations where someone got triggered by their own prior experiences and took it out on me.

I realize I was kind of just an innocent bystander, in the wrong place at the wrong time, but I was surprised at how fast this person went from zero to full-on rant.

This was not someone who I had previously seen being volatile or aggressive, but they rapidly lost control twice in less than a week in a setting where it was not appropriate (and yes, I realize it's not really ever appropriate, but that's not the point here).

I will admit that part of me was tempted to just walk away and leave the conversation. It’s not worth the grief.  But there were others there and I did not feel it was appropriate or warranted at that point.

So I took a deep breath and calmly said I was not going to get into this with them at that time.

I considered reaching out to this person later to ask if they realized how aggressive they had gotten with me, and to let them know that this was unacceptable behavior.

But I also know this person has a lot going on in their life right now and is presumably under a lot of stress, and therefore might be behaving in ways that are a little out of character for them.

So I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt, assume good will, and monitor the situation to see if any further action was required on my part.

What does this mean, in this case?

It means that I assume that the other person means well and is looking out for my best interest, even if our interpretations of what that looks like are different. 

To them, my interpretation of the situation may look as crazy as theirs does to me. 

So I decided to just sit on it a bit to see what ensued, rather than assume this person was just out to attack me.

And a little bit later, we actually found ourselves collaborating on a project to help someone else. 

Apparently this person did not even realize anything was amiss. 

So I was glad I hadn’t reflexively responded to this person’s aggression with my own.

After becoming triggered they may have just gone into autopilot mode with old prior brain programming, not even realizing what they were doing.

So giving them some compassion and empathy was something I was able to do.

But let me be clear: this does NOT mean I have no boundaries. 

And it does not mean I will allow this person, or anyone else, to walk all over me, take advantage of me, or attack me. I expect to be treated with respect.

What it does mean is that I can notice and understand where this person is coming from, and realize that they have their own conditioning that causes certain things to trigger them (the source of which was actually described clearly in the first incident), and make my own decisions about how much of a pass to give them - this time.

If it turns into a pattern (i.e. one more time), especially after this person’s acute stressful situation is resolved, you can bet that I will initiate a calm conversation about my expectations for how I am treated regardless of the topic of discussion. 

And of course, we might agree that some topics be avoided unless directly related to the task at hand. 

And, now that I know a bit about their old prior conditioning and what is important to them, I will be able to tie my expectations for how I want to be treated to something I know they value about how they treat others. 

If they  realize that the behavior they exhibited was not in alignment with their values, it will be easier for them to change it.

So, they do not get a free pass to go off on a rant, and certainly they are not entitled to attack me or my opinions. 

But I can take a moment to think about what might be going on for them that might cause the behavior before I call them out on it, and find the optimal time to do so, if it becomes necessary.

And when I do that, I’m in a much better position to talk to them about it in a way that preserves both of our dignity and preserves the relationship, allowing both of us to get what we need. 

Doing it this way will actually allow me to do a better job of establishing my boundaries and expectations.

And lest you think that I'm just avoiding confrontation in a circumstance where it is called for,  I want to reassure you that I am no longer too shy to let someone know if they are being inappropriate.

In fact, I recently had to tell a different person in a workshop that his conversational style and tone (loud and aggressive to the point of bullying, in fact, although I did not use that term at the time) were getting in the way of what he was trying to accomplish and that I would not continue the conversation.

So…where in your life might you find yourself at odds with someone about something? 

Even if the tone of the conversation or interaction is calm, are there situations where you disagree about the best way to do something?

Say you and someone on your team at work disagree about the best way to do something.

Is it likely that both of you have the same end goal in mind (better patient care or customer experience)?

If you can agree on the values you both believe  in, and the end result, you are likely to have more productive and relationship-building conversations, as well as better outcomes.

So next time you are feeling like you are headed into conflict with a family member, or a colleague, manager, or other team member at work, pause for a moment to find the common ground between you in terms of your values and goals, assume good will, and see if that doesn’t help.

Why is this important?

If you are a physician, it’s important because it will improve how you feel about your work, your coworkers, your patients, and yourself, and it will help ward off burnout.

If you struggle with your weight, it will reduce the stress and other emotions that may cause you to eat (and if you are an emotional eater, I can help you stop that behavior).

If you have a family, it will improve your relationships and help you have more fun.

If none of those apply, it’s still important because it’s an important thing to be able to do for your own health and peace of mind.

So where in your life is there some situation where giving someone the benefit of the doubt and assuming good will might help both of you?

To receive the blog and content like this right to your inbox, click here:

Write to me at [email protected] to let me know what you'd like help with, or book a call:

Stress/overwhelm/work-life/relationship issues: endselfsabotagenow.com

Weight loss or emotional eating:  releaseemotionaleating.com

Stress-Free Professionals and Entrepreneurs Facebook Group:

Release Emotional Eating and Self-Sabotage Facebook Group: